Things I cannot recall or, you won’t wake up for me.

Hello, four months since my last post, four months since my last update. I am sitting in a coffee shop in downtown Denver, doing exactly what I was doing four months ago. Looking for a job. This feeling is new though. Before? maybe a lack of meaning filled my head, maybe a lack of desire to “start over”, a lack of drive, or a feeling of insecurity because the man whom I called “boss” didn’t think I was a good fit for his company… even though I knew it from the beginning, I knew it was a stretch… not in job title, but in company culture. But this is not before, this is now, this is the third friday I have been able to enjoy the company of my wife, the third friday I have woken up a little later, and with a little less money, but with an ability to look forward to another day with my new family, my ever growing family.

As I sit and scour craigslist, I apply for jobs that I am not nearly qualified for, just because i want something different. I sit and watch my bride edit photos that she has taken in the last three weeks and wish she could do just that, forever. I wait for a video to render that I was hired to make for a local church. I write songs, I might have sold one actually… and I pray that someone will walk through the door to this coffee shop, and in his/her pocket, will be a key that will finally answer the question “but, what do I do now…” I know when I walk in the door to our little house, while I pick out baby clothes for Noah, colors for his bedroom, I know have found a place, a home, and that makes this unlike “before” instead of insecurity I find peace, instead of longing I find sustenance, instead of cold nights I find someone to hold me… and instead of fear, I find prayer. Prayer that my family will survive, that my life will go on, that there is a key, somewhere, in someones pocket, that will show me what to do tomorrow, and the next day… I just need to keep looking.

Happy friday kids, I hope to write more soon.

-Jon

 

Poison and wine or, to whom it may concern.

I have been terrible at updating this wordpress lately, in all honesty it has sunk to the lowest of things to do on my ever growing list of things to do.

BUT

I thought I would give a little update We just reached our second week of marriage, the house is all unpacked, everything except the boxes and boxes of books sitting in the corner. We really need a book case.

What I find quite nice, is there is a place for everything, my music, her photos, the Rhodes, guitars, cameras and pictures of New York. We have closets for towels, clothes (mostly hers) and shoes (mostly mine) The couch my new in laws gave us fits perfectly in our living room, the rug, dishes, cups and saucers, lamps, coffee table and hope chest, everything has a place.

One of my biggest fears was that my stuff would end up in the garage, or the back closet, but there has been a great balance of “us” I think thats where this smile comes from, there is finally an “us” that is real, tangible, I look over on the couch and there she is, sitting on her computer, editing photos. perfect.

She IS on to me though… I have this habit… I leave things EVERYWHERE!!!! pieces of paper, shoes, guitar picks, beer bottle caps, luckily I think its still in the “endearing” phase but… it can quickly move from that to annoying to WWIII something I am working on.

We are going on a walk to the park where I proposed in a couple moments, I am excited, its gorgeous out.

I hope to keep this thing updated more regularly, Rachel and I are starting new jobs tomorrow that will give us a more regular schedule which will be rather nice.

-Jon

Sensible heart or, as much as I ever could.

It was closer to 5 am then it was to 6, and there wasn’t a soul on the streets, I wandered down 5th street in Redmond Washington to a local coffee shop called Victors, a place in which I have spent many dollars, played many shows, and met many friends. I gave my order to the kind young girl who had far too many tattoos to live in the city in which her coffee shop resided.

Double short americano, no room…

Unlike my drink, the coffee shop had plenty of room, not a soul in here either, with respect, the shop had just opened, the barista had not yet put out the pastries, she was sleepily arranging the milk in the fridge, pre cutting the bagels, placing correct signage.

There was no real reason for me to be up this early, sometimes my internal clock just goes off…

I had decided to go jogging on a regular basis back then, I even woke up with that intent on this particular morning, I put on my sweat pants, shoes and sweat shirt… but instead I wound up just going for a walk. I blamed it on my fear of change, I don’t mean my schedule at the office, or what I eat for breakfast, but things that were in my life…

I finished up my americano, tossed it in the recycling bin…
“see ya tomorrow…” says the girl with too many tattoo’s
“you sure will” I say
I pushed my way back into the awkwardly cold morning
“it is august, isn’t it?” I thought to myself

I walked home, back into my living room, down the hall to my room, I changed out of my sweats, wrapped a towel around my waist, walked down the hall again, turned into the bathroom and closed the door…

this felt like repetition…

there is beauty in repetition

I got dressed, walked to my little red hand me down car, drove for 12.7 minutes, walked into my office building, time to grind the coffee beans and start the day…

one cup, two…

-Jon

Rehearsals for departure or, sleep spent.

2011, it’s a big year! I thought 2010 was going to be the big one, yet here I am, 52 days away from becoming a husband. 2010 did give me some… challenges… but it also brought me closer to my son then I have been in years (physically and emotionally) it brought me closer to realizing my musical aspirations, and it brought me an amazing woman to share all of these things with, though until february it has mostly been digital, it is sharing none the less.

2011 brings all those things to a epic culmination… one that has been a long time coming methinks. I’m getting married, that is not news, I’m getting married to the most amazing woman I have ever known… while that is not news to me… it is something to shout about.

I have had numerous comversations with people and they all seem to have the same questions…

1. Are you ready?
2. Are you excited?
3. What are you going to miss most about your single life?
4. Does she REALLY know what she is getting herself into??

I am pretty sure these are the standard “safe” questions that folks ask when they meet guys in my position, lemme answer them for you all now, in case you were wondering

1. Yes, Yes I am ready, I am MORE then ready, I am ready for this life to actually BEGIN, to actually DO something with my time and energy. also I am ready for her to decorate the house, my walls are empty, my house is not a home yet, Connor and I are waiting for it to become a home. We need Rachel, and wall things on our walls.

2. Pins and needles? not really, butterflies? every time my phone rings and I see her face on the caller ID! but those have been there from the start, all the way back to when I worked at that non-profit and we would gchat ALL day long… of course I am excited… but honestly, I am MORE excited for what comes after the wedding, when we get back from the honeymoon and we just live… together! I am stoked for the wedding, but more excited for the life that follows.

3. I’ll tell you what I am NOT going to miss… missing Rachel! thats the truth. I think my general disorder I don’t like to fold my clothes, I think that will pain her a bit, I should probably work on the before hand… this question has started many a conversation over the past couple months, really there is nothing in my life now that I will need to “give up” when she gets here, in fact everything that i do with my time can and will include her, which make me quite happy.

4. No, she doesn’t.

We will drink coffee, she will take pictures, I will write music. We will make friends, work, sleep, clean the house, make it a mess again. We will raise Connor, take vacations, Egypt, New York, Israel. We will visit friends and family, we will integrate our lives into the lives of the other. Yes, I am excited, I am blessed beyond my comprehension. I will never understand what it is that makes me so special in her eyes, she says the same thing, that she will never understand what it is that I see in her… I think I like that… it’s love.

Happy tuesday.

Living water or, falling out of trees.

I have not seen rain in three months, and there still are no curtains on my windows. I finally bought a broom this week, found a great coffee house, guys to play music with. It seems things have begun to fall into place.

I had a long conversation with my father this week about some recent things in my life, some leadership opportunities, he reminded me that he had always felt I was a “natural leader” and it seems some people are beginning to see that as well (I have been filling in at a couple local churches as a worship leader) now, leadership has always been something that attracts me but, to be honest, it is not really a skill I have honed. With the theme of “new beginnings” that this move has taken, I feel that it might be the time to work on them. I was recently challenged to take the “strength finders” test by one of my bosses at my day job, he has been curious to know the outcomes, I told him I would check it out this weekend and get back to him… I am interested as well and I will report to you all the same results.

The idea of “full time ministry” has been a passion of mine for quite sometime, I kinda made a focus of it when I moved to Denver, looking at churches who needed a worship leader and offering my services occasionally. I have know led worship at five separate churches in the Denver area and can say with total confidence that it us something I wish to make a living out of.

One of the churches (I will now refer to as church A.) has gone above and beyond any of the others to not only make me feel at home, but also support me and view me as a leader, I don’t feel like an outsider, a “fill in for hire” and, though in a literal sense, those words describe me perfectly! I wish I could express the sense of fulfillment when I am working with church A’s team, while they do look to me as a leader, they also accept me as their equal, which is honestly refreshing.

Back to the strength finders thing… There is a school of thought in leadership (that I subscribe to) that an effective leader cannot truly lead until he knows the pieces he(or she) is leading… I.e. To set people up for success, they must know where they succed, and often times, where they fail. A true leader doesn’t just boss people around, he(she) builds a team based on the teams individuals strengths, and in addresses their weaknesses in a way as not to focus in them, but to hone them for future success. In it’s simplest form… “know thyself”

I am interested to see what the result of the test will be, have any of you taken it? What was your result? Please, if you feel comfortable, share! As I move closer and closer to what I pray is an opportunity to transition into a full time role with church A I hope I will continue to surround myself with people who will continue to teach me what it means to be a successful leader… Not success on a “numbers” level, but success on a people level.

-Jon

*I typed this on my iPhone, forgive spelling, grammar, punctuation, please.

The young machines or, baby it’s fact.

My back has been hurting quite a bit lately. My shoes are all just about worn out. I have not written a new song in at least a month nor  have I used my typewriter since I have moved into my new house. I am sick of the following foods: Mac and Cheese, top ramen, Ham sandwiches, Chicken noodle soup and yogurt. I prefer the lyric “unforeseen kiss” over “sloppy wet kiss” which leads me to believe I am more radio friendly then originally thought. I like orange soda. I don’t like grape soda. I think a glass of wine is the perfect way to end the night. I think three glasses of wine are the perfect way to follow a glass of wine, and I am finally beginning to feel safe in my home again.

I never thought the words “violent break-in” would apply to any part of my life, at least I had hoped they never would. While my roommate and I were away safely at work, someone decided it would be a good idea to remove the electronics from our home (big screen TV, Computer, etc…) and, from the shape of the shattered door frame and bent dead bolt lock, it would seem that the door offended him to his core, whom ever procured these items was determined to succeed.

Sometime between 10 am and 3 pm, in broad daylight, in the safest neighborhood I have ever lived in, someone kicked down our door and stole from us. We have all heard the cliched statement of “they didn’t just take things, they took my feeling of safety!” I went out that night to see my friend Matt Bishop play a solo set in down town denver and when asked if I still felt “safe” in the house, stubborn Jon replied “yeah, it’s only stuff, I’m not scared.” what’s really funny is that I actually believed it.

That night, and for the 4 nights following, I didn’t sleep.

My roommate came home one night at 3 in the morning, I almost jumped him in the living room. Every squirrel or rabbit that rustled the brushes sent my heart on a gold medal sprint. I stared at the ceiling and imagined the guy coming back for the rest of our stuff, with me waiting for him with a baseball bat, every scenario ended with me coming out the victor! me beating the burglar and teaching him a lesson on which house to burgle! I talked with the Fiance a bit and tried to process what I was feeling, was I scared? or was it something else entirely… never once did I want to run, never once did I shy away from the situation, in fact when my roommate came home late at night I rushed him, ready to protect what little safety I had, is that fear? and what was with the day dreaming of catching the bad guy, the “proving that I could win”

I came to the conclusion with the help of the fiance that I was on high alert, I was ready, my phasers were set to stun and I was uber-ready to protect what was mine. My house, my family, the things that held value to me.

It’s been a week, I have been able to rest, the door has been fixed and as I said at the start I am starting to feel safe again… well, not on such high alert at least. It IS just stuff, and yes I feel like something else was taken, but nothing that can’t be, or wasn’t restored with time and a new door frame. It happens that way doesn’t it? it takes something terrible, or beautiful, something tragic or just plain intense to heighten our senses… I guess it’s just important not to jump your roommate in the middle of the night, chances are he is going through the same thing you are…

-Jon

Tiny little robots or, like knives.

So… I am getting married, officially.

I plopped down on my knee after Rachel and I broke into a gazebo on the rim of a lake this last saturday, there I asked my best friend to start building a life together.

This is a very good thing.

This also brings up some concerns.

I am a man, I have been a single man for the last 28 years, and with that comes a bit of mystery, privacy if you will! With the upcoming nuptials, comes a few things that my soon-to-be wife will inherit…  I will now list those things out for you (all objects on this list are subject to change, except where notated with a *)

1. Sometimes I pick my nose and wipe it on whatever chair I am sitting on, usually the drivers seat of my Jetta.
2. I am notorious for not folding my clothes when they come out of the dryer, then I gripe about my shirts needing to be ironed when I don’t have an iron or an ironing board, so I wear them anyways… I call it “elegantly disheveled”
3. It is not within my skill set to change an empty toiler paper roll.
4. I have curly hair, it gets everywhere.*
5. There are little pockets of guitar picks scattered around the house, there is not rhyme or reason behind the locations, they just collect.
6. My feet don’t smell very good at the end of the day.
7. I have no idea what that smell is under the sink.
8. I consider myself a “handy man” but I also consider myself a bit of a procrastinator, i’m working on it.
9. I drink cheap beer.
10. I play video games occasionally, I have an xbox live account, my gamer tag is AwkwardJonJon.

Now, this is not an all inclusive list, it is merely a start. but, along with this list comes another one…

1. I will want to kiss her every morning, even before she brushes her teeth.
2. I will want to cook for her any night of the week, and do the dishes to boot!
3. I will get her a puppy.
4. I will put little notes in her lunch, send her flowers at her office and do other yet to be decided “little things” as the years go on.
5. I will take her on trips.
6. I will learn to speak the challenging language of “jewelry”
7. I will never forget that feeling in my stomach of our first kiss, in the photo booth at the Cha Cha.
8. I will change everything on the above list and anything else that bugs, annoys or bothers her in an effort to show her for the rest of my life that she is utterly worth it.

I am going to be a husband, and I think for the next couple of months, my posts will reflect the journey that is a head of me, of us. it’s funny to me really, I am beginning to see how full of “journeys” this life really is! One just follows another, and on and on we go, down a road that we can’t really plan, but you know what’s great about this next journey?  I get to take it with my best friend!

Rachel Marie Johnson…. I like it.

-Jon